Eliezer Sobel
Schneiderman, p.3

In the dream, Warhol keeps repeating that famous line -- "The best sex is not doing it" -- and I realize that Marcy and I, therefore, must have been having great sex for nearly seven years. Because we are champions of not doing it. Why? Because I don't actually like doing it, for one thing. And because I only truly get aroused by people I don't know and love. You could say I don't make love to my wife because I love her. If I didn't love her, maybe I'd want to fuck her. (Is it okay to say "fuck her"? Am I only supposed to say "make love"? Would all her friends hate me?)

"Maybe I'm a slutty little girl trapped in a man's body," I tell Schneiderman."That would explain the Betty Boop boxer shorts I'm wearing."

"And how does that strike you?" Schneiderman asks Marcy.

"Underwear is not our problem. I can live with the underwear."

"Maybe," I say, "I'm one of those she-males you see in the back of the Village Voice, who have the breasts of a woman and the genitals of a man. I used to have dreams like that when I was a kid."

"See," Marcy says, "it's much bigger than underwear."

"Yes," Schneiderman says, "although actually, even I occasionally like to put on one of my wife's thongs."

Oh this is great. This is the guy who's going to handle our sex problems, and he's sitting there wearing lady's underwear? At least the Betty Boops are boxer shorts-- men's. This guy is over the top. I cannot believe this. Under his breath, he's singing: You must have been a beautiful baby, 'cause baby look at you now. Later I talk it over with Marcy:

"How can we stay with him? How can we talk about our sex life with this guy, knowing he might be sitting there in his wife's lace panties? No, it's out of the question."

"Sometimes shrinks intentionally use self-disclosure as a way of gaining the patient's trust," Marcy says.

"Did you read that somewhere? He has gained my trust-- I trust that he's a wacko, and I trust that he has an alternate source of income apart from our 125 bucks."

"Okay, but we have to do something. The Lap Dancer episode shall not go unpunished."

So it's good-bye Schneiderman. No more poking your nose around in my personal history. I call Baumgartner to tell him.

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Image: Jonathan Borofsky, Man with a Briefcase at No. 3274693 (1990)

March 2004

Passion and Violence
Jay Michaelson

A Song of Ascents:
The News from San Francisco
Sarah Lefton

Bush the Exception
Samuel Hayim Brody

The Wrong Half
Margaret Mackenzie Schwartz

God Had a Controlling Interest
Hal Sirowitz

Eliezer Sobel

Josh hosts a party
Josh Ring

Our 450 Back Pages

David Stromberg

Zeek in Print
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From previous issues:

The Queer Guy at the Strip Club
Jay Michaelson

The Aesthetics of Power
Michael Shurkin

Tom Slattery