More phone rings and conversation essentially stops.

Next we talk about “clearing,” an interpersonal communication and issue-airing technique encountered by Yonatan at a ”Journey into Manhood” retreat. In “Clearing,” people sit in a circle and address one another directly about “issues” they have with a particular person, who then responds. It helped Yonatan, he says, to get over some bad feelings and misunderstandings with another man in the group, and they became friends afterwards. (I think: Journey into Manhood?! Girlfriend, let’s get real! Journey into Repression. Journey into the Closet.)

Shlomo goes next, and he clears out some significant items.. He had previously claimed to be fully satisfied with his wife, but this time, finally, after a bit of prodding (ok, make that months of curious questioning and tacit disbelief from the group which finally burst like a ripe pimple), he does finally, almost explicitly admit that ok, maybe, sort of, sometimes, while he’s struggling with his, or maybe someone else’s, yetzer hara, he does sort of slip, you know, bli eyin hara, has v'shalom, oy vey, maybe it was actually someone else having that thought, but he might actually occasionally have a vision or imagining regarding other, well, you know, he didn’t intend it, it was almost like someone else's brain or imagination imposing itself on him, that slip that moment that thing about…… men. It is astounding seeing him finally get there, after all the denial and circumlocution and trying to squirm away like a wriggling tadpole or a caged squirrel, until, under direct, repeated inquisition from virtually everyone in the room, he was rhetorically cornered and did actually, finally, more or less clearly admit it. More or less. He tries to take it back a little bit. But we wouldn’t let him.

Still more phone interruptions offer brief respite -- or distraction. Of course things were just heating up under that merciless bulb, that piercing electric eye in the sky.

Amitai goes next, and wonders about which Jerusalem neighborhoods to live in, and whether to tell his Rosh Yeshiva, whom he’s coming to know and respect, about his… special SSA situation. A conversation about overcoming fear of sex ensues, with a focus on "do you tell your dates or potential fiancée up front about your SSA issues." Some suggest that maybe it would be better to experiment first with sex with women -- after all, maybe they'll like it, and then they won't have to say anything. While various persons point out that halachically this is a big no-no, Yonatan informs us of an SSA acquaintance’s happy and “successful” experiences with a prostitute. Amitai explores his performance anxieties with the group, and ends up considering that his bashert might prefer that he keep himself pure and honest with her, rather than sleep with a prostitute.

Amitai seems the best adjusted of any of us, in a perverse sort of way. He knows he has desires for other men. He’s explored them. He’s enjoyed them at times and enjoyed sex. But it hasn’t fit comfortably with his religious and family aspirations, so he’s made what appears, on the surface, to be a fairly practical decision: to return to Israel and see if he can marry a nice Israeli girl who has been raised in a religious culture where she’ll be demure, supportive, submissive, and where the eligible female to male ratio makes women so desperate they’ll get married by any means necessary. Of course this is "practical" only insofar as a marriage of deceit and semi-fulfilment is "practical" -- but, Baruch HaShem, out of such nightmares dreams are possible, or so the rabbis teach. He, admits that at a minimum he needs to consummate the marriage (i.e., get it up for her at least enough to sire children), and that what he is contemplating might be a minimally happy marriage, upon which could be stapled a happy public face. Baruch HaShem.

Yossele has his laptop splayed inexplicably on his lap throughout the meeting. I feel uneasy. Why is the computer here? I thought these meetings are supposed to be private (these notes notwithstanding), and am annoyed that the ground rules for privacy of these meetings seemed forgotten, unclear, and certainly in breach. I can’t wait to read all about this group on Yossele’s blog! What fun! Will everyone else?

The computer bleeps, and so do phones. I wonder why people don’t even set them to silent vibration, or turn them off.

The biggest hit of the evening is Yossele's "messed up broken youth self-destructive sexaholic fag" show. This is the best "scared straight" show I’ve seen in some time. After luridly describing his lover’s naked BLANKs slapping against his vulnerable BLANK while they were BLANKing like bunnies (diseased, doomed, animalistic little rodents, unkosher bunnies, or perhaps lemmings), whereby the chronic disease was probably transmitted in a tainted splatter, Yossele paints a detailed picture of his now wart-pocked, bleeding, diseased and infected BLANK. And then: the various doctors and other aiders and abettors both failing to diagnose the disease and not bothering to teach anything about safer sex to poor Yossele, who was forced to go on his own journey of self education.

At this point, everyone is horrified, embarrassed, enthralled and titillated -- and not sure they should hear more, although wondering how and whether to ask. Yonatan carefully directs us from these dangerous thoughts back to the task at hand: appropriate hate of the sin, not the sinner; fear and loathing of the disease, not the diseased, for whom we should have pity and compassion. “Amen” the group dutifully intones, safe to be back at a predictable port amidst a perfect storm of conflicting emotions and desires.

This group is WAY better than the movies. Speaking of movies, it wasn't until after the meeting -- when we went straight for the hot fleish at the mall -- that we got to see what was on Yossele's laptop. But… after-schmoozes have not been agreed to be included within these reports, so I’ve censored that part.