I don't know whether my teacher was reading me right or not. But what became clear for me in our conversation was how wrong Go as Far as Possible was. If my practice were deeper, then, sure, I would see the Buddha at the Annual Meeting as much as at the mountain lake. But, as I wrestled with in The Ghost and the Machine, it doesn't work that way. Not for beginners like me. For people in my position, the "matrix of possibility" feels a certain way in some places, and a different way in others. And you can't be in all places at once.

This really is my fatal flaw, I think – that I am a fox and not a hedgehog. The metaphor belongs to Isaiah Berlin, who broke up intellectuals into know-a-little-about-a-lot foxes and know-a-lot-about-one-big-thing hedgehogs. I am a fox – look at this tripartite, schizophrenic article for proof. And yet like many foxes, I wish I were a hedgehog. I wish I could be good, really good, at one thing, and be content with one place on the matrix – not always wondering what someplace else would feel like.

‘Feeling' isn't quite right: it's being. I don't just ‘feel' corporate life when I'm at the office; I become immersed in it. I talk a certain way, relate to other people a certain way – and there's no other way to do it. It isn't skillful or effective to talk to attorneys on the other side of a deal in the same way I talk to the students in my Embodied Judaism class, and, after a certain amount of time, I become the attorney.

Deep inside, I prefer the Embodied Judaism Jay to the Wasabi Systems Jay. Part of me really likes that I can move between all these worlds, teaching Kabbalah at Burning Man one moment, preparing affidavits the next, writing nonfiction about logocentrism and then playing Minnow songs on break. But part of me feels unsatisfied living the fox life and deeply prefers being the ‘me' I hear when I teach the dharma to teenagers. And I know, all too well, that you can't really be a successful fox; in both dharma and dollar, at a certain point you have to commit.

Let's get real and not pretend there isn't a choice. I only wish there weren't one. Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur – these days are all about choices. Constant renewal and rebirth, yes, but rebirth into what? There may be no limits, as Go as Far as Possible said, but there are decisions to be made. If I know I prefer the ‘me' that's nurtured in the country, why don't I get out of here? If I know that corporate life is a poison to me, why can't I let go of the square world? Am I really a fox, or just chicken?

[1]       [2]       [3]       [4]       5 Image: Jose Campos

Jay Michaelson is the Chief Editor of Zeek and Director of Nehirim, a spiritual initiative for gay and lesbian Jews.

Related articles:

Meditation and Sensuality Jay Michaelson
Sex, drugs, and God in all
July, 2003

I hear America Bling-blinging Jay Michaelson
Hypercapitalism as Satanism
June, 2003

Constriction Jay Michaelson
Dick Cheney and the New Age
March, 2003

What the World is... Jay Michaelson
...and what to do about it
February, 2003

sha'atnez Abraham Mezrich
February, 2003

The Other Rally Samuel Hayim Brody
Confrontation and cooperation in the face of odious leaders
February, 2003

Quality of Life Jay Michaelson
What my grandmother's suffering teaches
January, 2003

Go as Far as Possible Jay Michaelson
Life beyond the idea of limits
December, 2002

Are we all asleep? Jay Michaelson
When life seems irresolvably absurd
November, 2002

Repentance Poem #4 Matthue Roth
October, 2002

The Warm, Impossible, Wall-less Summer World Jay Michaelson
Summer days, summer nights are gone...
September, 2002

The Ghost and the Machine Jay Michaelson
Why is it easier to see God in nature than in the city?
August, 2002

Elephant Memory Jay Michaelson
The most evil and deceitful administration in American history
August, 2002

Loneliness and Faith Jay Michaelson
Being at one with Being
July, 2002

On Eighth Avenue in New York Jay Michaelson
New York, full of life, a cure for loneliness.
June, 2002

The Desert and the City and the Mall Jay Michaelson
If the desert feeds the spirit, and Paris delights the senses, what does McDonald's do? May, 2002

9/11: Tony's Story Dan Friedman
CBS's packaging of the '9/11' documentary reveals exactly what America fails to understand about September 11.
April, 2002

Cheap Jews try to Save the World Jay Michaelson
Am I an environmentalist for the same reasons I don't like to spend money?
April, 2002