4.

I don't know what energy is, but I know it when I feel it. I've worked with the chakras, the sefirot, and a few other maps of energy lines, and I don't really know how important they are, though they do work to direct the mind, if nothing else. Energy can be blocked; it only flows to me when my own desires are quieted enough that I can actually open to what's going on outside of my head. If I'm rushing to finish something, or obsessed with how I'm getting screwed over at work, I don't notice anything outside, and I'm lucky to stay a witness to myself and not get lost in my own stories. But sometimes...

Since coming back, I've felt very different from July. I feel unattractive, unsexual; it's hard to believe I am the same person who played so much, just two months ago. And I think that shows. I think people can sense the lack of confidence, not just because it manifests itself in subtle, subconscious body language - but because we perceive energy, and non-confident energy is a turnoff.

At the same time, I feel comfortable in this lower-energy place. Tonight, after leaving a party at one of those typical Chelsea gay bars - after leaving alone, that is - I walked slowly back toward my company's office in a quiet sadness that is familiar and accepting. I would prefer not to be sad. But sadness, quietness - this is where I am right now. I see it as a gateway to equanimity. And besides, it is impermanent - between the writing and the editing of this article, it's already changed back and forth a few times.

Ultimately, if it is the case that 'energy' is not reducible to or articulable in rational terms, then "not knowing what energy is" is probably a step in the right direction. My feeling embrace of energy exists right alongside my rational skepticism of it -- only I am learning to quiet the rational, skeptical part and listen to the part that feels and perceives. Not because rationality is bad, just because I want the complete picture. As Hamlet said, "There is more to heaven and earth, Horatio, than is dreamt of in your philosophy."

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