Sheryl Crow created an infectious pop piece that attempts to rock, but really pussies out. She ruins her entire argument ("lighten up and relax") by remembering, in the nick of time, to be prudent before she rocks. But the rock is not about caution! The rock is not about decorum or discretion. Letting go and hanging loose and loving life and feeling joy is not about being careful. It's about risk and spontaneity and carpe diem and grabbing life by the balls and refusing to let go. It's aboutt: "Cruisin' down the highway, looking for adventure and whatever comes my way," not "Crusin' down the highway, looking for a service station to inspect my anti-lock brakes." One can only imagine the songs from Crow's journal left unrecorded:

· I'm So Free With You (If You're Wearing a Condom & I'm on the Pill)
· Never Getting Higher (Than A Blood Alcohol Content of 1.2)
· We're Going Out Tonight (But Only With Reflective Clothing)

Imagine the sorry state of a world filled with precautionary rock songs. A world without risks, dares, that stoopid shit we do when we're drunk - in short, a world that looks a lot like Pax TV. That's not a world I'd want to live in - I experienced it for a short time and they called it "sobriety" and it really blew donkeys. The world I want to inhabit is all about the rock - it's about living on the edge and breaking the law and busting heads. And I refuse to let Sheryl Crow get away with convincing the vast majority of America that she's about to rock on. With SPF 45 on, Sheryl, you ain't rocking. So don't come knocking.

I shudder to think about the sociological implications of a world in which rock stars made certain that they were spreading positive messages. I can imagine the late-night commercial right now… K-Tel's newest compilation of Safe Rockin' songs, featuring such favorites as:

• We Are the Champions -- But It's Not About Winning or Losing
• I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night (As Long As I Get My Full 8 Hours of Sleep)
• Welcome to the Jungle - I've Had All My Shots
• Janie's Got A Gun With a Safety On
• Born to Run on Designated Pedestrian Paths
• B-6, B-12 and Ironman
• 19th Nervous Breakdown (Could've Been Avoided With Paxil)
• Hold on to the Railing When You Climb the Stairway to Heaven
• Pour Some Sugar On Me, I've Taken My Insulin
• Baby I Need Your Loving (With Your Full Consent)
• The Time of the Season Of Claritin
• Light My Fire But Don't Forget to Put It Out With Sand and Water
• Leaving on a Jet Plane (But I Left my Nail Clippers At Home)
• Smokin' in the Boys' Room (Don't Worry, They're Herbal Cigarettes)
• Won't Get Fooled Again Because I've Learned My Lesson About 401(k) Plans

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