But when they do work - when the ES/EM function works perfectly - you'll never forget it. Was it the ES/EM that made you realize that you were in love? ("If she don't love me," by Uncle Jonathan Richman is good like that.) Was it the ES/EM that made you quit your job? ("Misunderstood" by Wilco tends to have this effect.) Or was it the ES/EM that made you suddenly grok your very existence on this planet? ("Within You, Without You" does that to me.) The satisfaction of the successful ES/EM synergy is like nothing else. It's because suddenly your life makes perfect sense, because suddenly, that precise moment in your very own personal little life -- well, it's just like a movie.

With all apologies to Nick Hornby, who probably already did this in High Fidelity, let's do a little exercise: Think about what your ideal personal ES/EMs would be. What do you want to hear when you meet the person of your dreams? When you have the best sex ever? When you win your biggest battle? When decide to get married? At your funeral? (And no fair ripping off movie funerals on this one - it's just not right. You should be original, rather than forcing all of your friends and relations to go, "Wasn't this in The Big Chill?")

Go ahead, write it down. Open up Notepad. Do it.

Now, what do these songs say about you? Knowing your ES/EM list is the key to successful relationships. If "Danny's Song" is the late-in-the-night jukebox song that makes you want to take someone home with you, then don't take home a "Closer" fan. Was your choice for 'person of your dreams' more like "Close to Me" (by the Cure) or "Close to You" (by the Carpenters)?

Let me also ask: When you get to someone's house, if you're not just tumbling into bed (or, ahem, onto the kitchen table), do you check out their CDs? Do you love it when their CDs are cooler than yours? Do you melt a little when they share the same guilty musical pleasures? Do you tear off that person's clothing when he or she has the same rare, totally indie, completely unheard-of EP? Because if your conquest for the evening shares your musical tastes, then the chances of having a romantic ES/EM, even M⁴, of your own increase exponentially. If you can share an ES/EM and an M⁴, and both realize it as such, then you will probably fall deeply, deeply in love.

And you will be so crushed when that person leaves you that you'll have to turn to that song that you put on whenever you wallow. (For me, recently, it's "Case of You" by Joni Mitchell. Sorry.) And then you'll be really sad and you'll be out in a bar and all of a sudden you'll hear just the right song, and you realize you're having a wallowing/depressing ES/EM, and you'll look around and there, across the bar, half-hidden in the shadows, is the person who put this song on the jukebox. And you can go home with that person and then you can start all over again.

Look at your friends. How many of you listen to the same type of music? How many friends do you have whom you know you can call when Le Tigre comes to town? When John Zorn is at Tonic? When Run DMC reunites? When Foreigner plays the PNC Arts Center? Chances are, there's someone in your life to fill all your musical niches. And if you're missing a certain someone who would actually want to go that the Christina Aguilera concert with you, then you know you'll squeal like a little girl when you meet that person. We keep our friends around for a lot of reasons, but we really need our friends so that they'll understand our ES/EM moments. We want as many M⁴s in our lives as possible, so that our lives feel as satisfying and exciting as possible. We long for the perfectly soundtracked life, filled with memorable nuggets of emotion that can be easily recalled with a few choice songs.

Our music is about extending ourselves and our love, which is the purpose of life. We listen to music so that we can create our own personal soundtracks to show our true selves to the world, so our M⁴s can infect the universe with our own personal perspectives and experiences, to eliminate epistemic loneliness from the world with the perfect mix tape compilation. When everyone in the world has the same response when they hear your favorite song, because your own personal M⁴ from your own personal life is stuck in their head - then you'll never be misunderstood again. And if that's not the goal, then I don't know what is. So, if you'll indulge me, sometimes I like to think that I, much like Sexy Sadie, came along to turn on everyone. Thank you. Now I am deeply satisfied.

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